Staying Human: “Dying Light 2” and Schizophrenic Mortality

Credit: Dying Light 2. Screenshot by me. If the universe ever feels unjust, always seek the light.

Schizophrenia is a disease, but that doesn’t mean we’re the dead walking. Last Summer, I played the 2022 epic zombie RPG “Dying Light 2: Stay Human,” from Techland. Broadcasting this game live on Twitch was fantastic. A game full of heavy, difficult choices, the one at the end achieved something profound in a video game: it made me question myself. My decision to save my friend, Lawan, instead of the last human city of Villedor forced me to question what kind of leader I am. In the end, it all comes down to mortality.

Being schizophrenic is weird, nobody knows what it is, so they often have questions. Questions that I’ve found even other schizophrenics are afraid to ask. One of the biggest questions is, “how does schizophrenia affect mortality?” An interesting question, that does not have a super simple answer unfortunately, but there is plenty of hope, as well as room for improvement for us all.

Credit: Dying Light 2. Game clip by me. Clearing some zombies. Always use the best tools available to achieve your goals.

In Dying Light 2, you’re infected with the grim zombie virus that has turned the whole world into mindless monsters. The solution is not a simple one, see a parallel starting to weave? Wherein the game you need to regularly douse yourself in any UV light you can find or make to suppress the growth of the virus. With schizophrenia, you need to pay extra attention to self-care habits. That’s one of the largest contributors to get us; we come up short when it comes to taking care of ourselves. But there is also danger in the care we receive.

According to Mark Olfson, MD of Columbia University Psychiatry, there needs to be work not only on the part of schizophrenics in the care they receive, but also medical professionals. Schizophrenics are less likely to receive life-saving interventional care for cardiac issues, for example. Which is crucial because the antipsychotics we take increase the occurrence of cardiac issues. Communities can help us find ways to work and live, be accepted, be understood and respected, all things that everybody deserves, but are privileges.

Credit: Dying Light 2. Screenshot by me. Lawan having her moment in the Sun before her mentor. Sometimes it feels like nobody understands you, but there are people who want to help.

The inhibitors you hunt in Dying Light 2 are like real-life antipsychotics in some ways. While antipsychotics increase risk of heart disease, schizos who do not take them are MORE likely to have heart issues! Why? Because they can’t begin to take care of themselves in any other meaningful way. Like the inhibitors in Dying Light 2, they MIGHT be slowly killing you, but without them you’ll never live to find out. The medicine makes you stronger. You live to fight another day.

Any given day, a schizo is 3.5 times more likely to die, and on average we live 15 years shorter than normal. There are various reasons, heart disease, lung disease is huge, suicide, there are many contributing factors to this number. However, I promised hope. The hope is that schizophrenics who are more well managed live longer. Schizos who are taken regular, proper care of can endure. Another hopeful place in society is education; highly intelligent schizophrenics tend to manage negative symptoms better.

Credit: Dying Light 2. Screenshot by me. Looking out on Villedor… before I blew it up.

Here is why my choice at the end of the game matters. I had done everything up to that point for the Survivor faction. I didn’t hate the Peacekeepers, I thought if you have an opportunity to start civilization over, put the people first this time. So, why did I throw it all away saving somebody who was trying to sacrifice themselves for that same city? It seems like the right thing to do would be save the city, I would lose Lawan, but she knew what she was doing. The people of Villedor had no idea what was coming. This is so out of character for me to make such a selfish choice.

The answer lies in twelve years of cognitive behavioral therapy, just becoming a normal-ish person. I have done, well, almost everything my doctors have told me since I lost my mind in 2012. It has been a titan of difficulty, but you must also know, a bit boring. I haven’t experienced psychosis in about seven years, but I’ve still been inching my way along like I did when I was psychotic. It can be incredibly frustrating when you’re disabled, but not only can nobody else see it, you often don’t see it yourself.

Credit: Dying Light 2. Screenshot by me. As humans we must persist, even if we must take to the rooftops to survive.

How can I have made it so far, but still have so far to go? It is extra upsetting when you learn you may not have as much time left as other people. In that moment live on Twitch, faced with the fate of a city that tried to lynch me the minute they saw me, or a future with the one I love, I took the last inhibitor and ran for Lawan. I can’t describe what was going through my mind at that moment. This was finally my moment where what I wanted, and what I could do mattered. No more watching the world go by without me.

I’m currently on my second playthrough of the game, so I can see the true ending where you save the city. The decision I know is best. Myself, I inject my inhibitor—I mean—antipsychotics every three months, so I’m never without. I work part-time, create content part-time, and am in graduate school. Paying close attention to self-care, my blog gives me a place to intellectualize my feelings. At 34 years of age, I have no plans on kicking the bucket anytime soon, and hope to defy the trend of schizophrenic life expectancy.

Interested in my journey? Go to my Contact page, or follow me across social media via my Linktree! Live on Twitch about midnight, (North America,) any night that I can.

Credit: Dying Light 2. Game clip by me. Mortality can seem like an ogre, but its worth the fight to overcome the poundings life can deliver.

Beached Things: My “Death Stranding” Experience as a Newbie Streamer

Credit: Death Stranding. Screenshot by me. This is a strikingly innovative game.

From the very first teaser for Hideo Kojima’s “Death Stranding,” I tried to avoid learning too much about it. Someday, I knew I would be able to play it, even if not soon. Something about it moved me from the beginning. It was clear from the initial footage this was going to be a moody, melancholy game featuring intense traversal, immersive gameplay, and out-of-this-world story.

Then, a glimmer of hope. Death Stranding gets released on PC, after initially only being on PlayStation. I didn’t have either, but I was closer to a gaming PC than I was a PlayStation. By another grace, the game is available on Xbox Game Pass for PC. In late May, I was finally fed up enough with my old undergrad laptop to get a new computer. My expectation wasn’t initially that I would be able to get a computer that could play games because of budget, but I was able to find an Asus laptop with an RTX graphics card for a very reasonable price about a month ago.

I’ve dreamed of streaming for roughly a decade since I discovered Twitch. Even experimenting with streaming from my Xbox One on Mixer, having some of the most fun of my life. When Mixer shut down I knew I wanted to come back on Twitch in a big way. With a new gaming computer, I felt ready to get started. Using an old pair of $20 Skullcandy headphones as a headset, I began playing Death Stranding for about eight hours at a time on Twitch. I walked away a different, more complete person each session. Even if only for the guidance along my own spiritual healing odyssey.

Credit: Death Stranding. Screenshot by me. Finding my way.

In Death Stranding, humanity is trying to figure out not only how to exist in a post-apocalyptic world, but whether to continue fighting at all. The spirits of the dead begin finding their way back into our world, shattering everything we know about reality. As somebody who has been torn away from reality and forced to live in a world of madness, I felt like I meshed with the plot easily. Like the hero of the game, all I want is to bridge worlds of isolation. Give humanity a chance against extinction.

Like Sam has his Bridge Baby, I have my fans. They may be tiny, and strange, but they see in a way I cannot. I only have a sense, and metrics. But my fans, they let me know when I am on the wrong path. One of my biggest media inspirations is Fred Rogers. “Silence is so powerful, so important. There is so much to be learned from it.” A lot of popular streamers try to keep the hype up by filling every second with input. Death Stranding let me set the tone of my stream by having long sessions where we are either just watching an hour long cutscene, or enjoying the atmosphere during an arduous walk through the solitary countryside.

In the game, rain is called “timefall” because it hyper-accelerates the aging of whatever it touches. The world is completely reshaped by the cataclysm of the apocalypse, and the effects linger just like the dead. Many years premorbid schizophrenia, I had been tested to be high intelligence. Researchers think differences in intelligence may signify a spectrum of psychotic disorders beyond simple schizophrenia. What is more relevant here, however, is the world post-morbid. I am still blessed, to be sure. But I know I am not the same. In the time after onset, the brain ages terribly. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don’t deserve the things I did before. It is painful enough if weren’t a major point of pride.

Of course, that is nonsense. I only say such a bleak thing to convey how deep a sentiment was touched upon by Death Stranding regularly. It is not a game for the faint of heart. The people in this universe are horrifically traumatized. But there is always hope if there is a connection. This game connected me with myself. I am reminded of how resilient I can be. That the last thing I should do now is give up on giving myself a chance. It means putting in a lot of boot work on figuring out computer/streaming technical stuff that is completely alien to me, but I am proud of my literally taped together setup here.

Credit: Death Stranding. Screenshot by me. “I’m Fragile, but not that fragile.”

It is natural that the more you experiment, the more you fail. But not everything can be gleamed from the shared wisdom of mass media Professors, YouTube videos, and the like. You can prepare all you want, but just like in Death Stranding, you may find for some situations the better choice can be to pack light whether with cargo in the game, or over-perfecting beyond raw content on a stream.

When I was in front of this screen, live with Death Stranding, I felt so truly myself. Every time I say it out loud, I think it must sound so strange. Isn’t broadcasting, live, on camera kind of when you need to dress up your personality a bit? Even these early streams, I feel so comfortable with who I am. At least I’m finally able to make the effort, and not letting the time slip away. Not one day was wasted when I bought this computer. The day it arrived I had game clips and self-recorded videos to make my first video review, for Star Wars Jedi: Survivor. That video is available on my TikTok, Instagram and Facebook.

Death Stranding 2 is currently in production, for which I am thrilled. There’s no telling where this story could go, especially when building on the back of a major success. No complete word on when to expect it, however, just hopefully the next few years. It is proving very difficult for a new game to fill the void left where my first Twitch game once was. I can’t think of many pieces of art in my life so profound, period. Kojima has more projects in development, and I am now a certified fan. To make a game so depressing, also so uplifting is sublime.

Credit: Death Stranding. Screenshot by me. Great photo mode in this game!

Meditation, Ego Death, & Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order

Credit: Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. Screenshot by me. This game gave me wonderful feelings of power.

My first experience with the “Souls-like” game genre was where it all actually started, the original “Demon Souls” in 2009. The game was a fun nightmare. As much as I enjoyed it, I found it far too difficult to progress beyond a certain point. The experience was so crushing it turned me away from the genre forever. Until “Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order” was added to Xbox Game Pass Ultimate a couple years ago, and I gave it a try as I heard it was a more approachable Souls-like. I was still defeated.

Since June I have finished the most recent Assassin’s Creed trilogy, which uses a new combat system that had me feeling distinct Souls-like vibes. Especially fights like the Minotaur. As well, since last year I began understanding turn-based JRPGs, another genre I’ve always wanted to enjoy, but couldn’t. So, I thought I would try Jedi: Fallen Order once more. I really wanted to get into this genre to try hits like Elden Ring.

I turned up the difficulty, and somehow I had come to understand how to play this game. My enjoyment began trepidatiously, but before long I was having the time of my life. Masterfully executing foes with combinations of the Force and my lightsaber. Defeating bosses that seemed impossible. When I finished the game I felt an outstanding sense of accomplishment, not just for the small victories throughout, but the larger win of beating a game I could only get a handful of hours into not even a couple years prior.

But there is something more significant this game gave me. At save points, your character, Cal Kestis, meditates. His meditation is an integral part of the story. In the beginning, he is so traumatized by the fall of the Jedi order, he can barely get into focus. As he heals emotionally, he uncovers important memories that heal his connection with the Force, and his meditation. I decided I would begin meditation myself, to see if it rendered anything noticeable. The results changed my life.

Credit: Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. Screenshot by me. New things can be scary, but scary doesn’t mean impossible.

A key was given to me when I was in high school that I believe opened the door to successful meditation for me. I was partially hypnotized. Basically just put under slowly and instantly snapped out. What this enabled me to do is more easily silence the noise in my head, and focus on something that centers, and relaxes me. I can more freely suspend my thoughts. When I started playing Fallen Order, about a week after I began meditating regularly, I had a bizarre couple of days.

At first, it was blinding rage. Anger that is hard to describe in a polite manner. I wanted to crush everyone and everything. Like a levee had breached; washing through my veins a deluge of hatred. Knowing it wasn’t normal, I was both scared and confused. That is not who I am. People who are like that upset me. The next day I paced in a circle and thought about my emotions and past trauma for literally twenty-four hours straight. The rage had subsided, leaving emptiness in its place.

Finally, I thought of the term that seemed to describe what I was going through. Ego death. I was seeing my life more objectively than I thought possible. It was like a major gatekeeper in my mind had dissolved, and left the rest to pick up the pieces. An array of emotions came and went in odd and unpredictable intervals, as I could not control what I was going to think of next. Normally, your ego protects you from having certain thoughts to get you through what you’re doing. I no longer had that, so even the most traumatic things came up as naturally as any thought.

Ego death leads to uncovering trauma the way a paleontologist unearths their raptors. You can study what this beast must’ve been without it biting you. Seeing how the sick feelings I get in my gut now are the result of things that I’ve long forgotten about. To be honest, I knew I was forgetting a lot of trauma, because I’ve heard that when somebody doesn’t remember their childhood, that is often why. I didn’t remember hardly any of my childhood, until now. One of the gifts I’ve been given by my transformation is also the knowledge that it could’ve been a lot worse, and for some people it is the worst.

Credit: Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. Screenshot by me. BD-1 keeps his sacrifice a secret from you, to aide you when you most need it.

It is vitally important to stress that my ego death is a positive thing. I am so much stronger now. My sight is clear, but I see everything. This is better than sight to be hazy, yet seeing clouds. I can more effectively grow and improve myself this way. Like Cal Kestis, my Kyber crystal fracturing doesn’t mean all hope is lost, it means I am walking away stronger than I had hoped. Our growth can outpace our expectations. Look at how much better I have gotten at gaming in new genres that past year.

True, it was a long trail of game choices that led to my ego’s dissolution, but I hold Jedi: Fallen Order as the true mover because of how it inspired me to begin meditation, and nurtured me along the path. It gave me the simple joy of playing a fun, cool looking game. The satisfaction of achieving something I once thought impossible for me. And perhaps most importantly, the story is filled with characters who all need to heal to become the best versions of themselves.

Jedi: Fallen Order is a fantastic game. I strongly suggest you play it, and I’m not even deep into Star Wars. Check out my Overdue Review in the Archives. The sequel, “Jedi: Survivor” is due this March. This game could inspire you to begin practicing some of the ways of the Jedi. Meditation opened a heavy door in my own mind. This door leads to a labyrinth, but the game served as a nice spool of thread to help me know my way.

Credit: Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. Screenshot by me. Like my psychiatrist says, “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.”

Checkpoint: Oct. 23, 2022. An Old Friend, and A New School

Credit: Assassin’s Creed IV Black Flag. Screenshot by me. Sailing smooth seas.

It has been a while since I have given insight into my own life, so I thought it should be time for a Checkpoint post. In August I began the process of applying to graduate school. I’ve been accepted at Drake University, and will be registering for a January start. My degree will be in “Brand Communications,” but I also hope to learn quite a bit about “Communications Leadership.”

The idea behind furthering my education is to enhance my abilities as a modern journalist in the evolving video game field. It seems if you really want to stand out in this industry, you need to bring a full package to the table. The mostly newspaper journalism, or at least print, which I learned in undergrad was extremely helpful, yet limited. Video game journalists are all over any platform you could imagine, and they often work independently.

So how do I take my brand to the next level? I think I know some of the steps, but I am very apprehensive to start so from scratch. I know graduate school won’t hand me a magic blueprint, and that it’ll still be up to me. The expanded education will, however, give me direction and light. I dream of making an impact in people’s lives. With conversations about video games and mental health especially, or even just with my leadership.

With that looming, posts here may become more infrequent. I need to focus on my classes, not gaming, sadly. I will try to find time to update at least once a month. Another thing limiting my posting is that I am trying to spend time with our dog, Braxton, an Australian Shepard who is reaching his final days. I can’t describe what a good boy he is, and what a boon he has been to everyone he has met. He moved here from California with my sister, and has stayed with my parents ever since. Trying to not take what little time he has left for granted. Finding it difficult to do anything else.

Braxton and I. Even as sick as he is, still so full of life and joy.

I’ve been dabbling in many different games. If you follow this blog you know I am working my way through the Assassin’s Creed franchise, in an out-of-sequence fashion. I am currently playing Black Flag and Valhalla, enjoying both quite a lot. I think Black Flag is a lot of people’s favorite, if only they remembered the dreadful, and frequent, tailing missions. The naval combat is unrivaled fun though.

Speaking of Assassin’s Creed, this would be a fine place to give my final verdict on the Ezio Collection. I played the collection on the Nintendo Switch, and had a wonderful time. Fantastic stealth action gameplay. Each game was about twenty or so hours, so if you’re looking for value at $40 the Ezio Collection is a worthy find, though I have seen it on sale for cheaper sometimes. Brotherhood was my favorite out of Assassin’s Creed 2, Brotherhood, and Revelations. Revelations had the best story, certainly, but I think I had the most fun playing Brotherhood.

I have still been playing Two Point Campus, which I reviewed recently. I’m about sixty hours into it. I see myself putting quite a bit more time yet into this one. It isn’t often I play a game much after I review it, but I reviewed this game when it was new, so I wanted to give it further examination in order to stand by my article. I praised it heavily in my review, and everything stands. I even picked up the older game, Two Point Hospital, which I’m sad to say I do not enjoy as much.

There are about a dozen other games I keep in rotation, but I don’t want to drone on with general descriptions of all of them. You’ll just have to wait for those articles. I don’t think I have the spirit for horror games this year, but perhaps some cozy games instead! Who doesn’t love getting snug with a beer, a blanket and a chill game? That should lift everybody’s spirits, and be appropriate for the season.

Credit: Two Point Hospital. Screenshot by me. Two Point Hospital sets an excellent stage for the newer Two Point Campus.

I hope everyone has a happy holiday, whatever and however you celebrate as we enter the season. I hope to do a lot of gaming over this brief gap where I’m waiting to start school, but we will see how that goes. As I said, I haven’t felt much like playing, but I just bought Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands, and that has been helping to get me back into the spirit of things. If you’re looking for gifts for gamers in your life, I think Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 will be the hot game, but at a $70 price point I think you could likely find other terrific games for cheaper.

I’ve already had my first hot cocoa, because we have already had our first freeze. The neighbors had some amazing spicy cocoa they shared. I always think of Halloween to Christmas as chocolate season. My mother passed her love of the stuff onto me, and around this time of year I always eat more than my fill of candy. Mint and chocolate is my favorite combination. Peanut butter is also a high tier pairing. There is a local place that makes homemade peanut butter cups, which are massive and to die for.

That’s all for this dispatch. I will continue to give my dog all the loving I can. Again, posts will likely slow down on here for a while. I hope you all keep coming back; every view is immensely appreciated. Comment below your favorite Halloween candy, or what game is on top of your holiday wish list!

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 Remastered Defends Good Memories

Credit: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 Remastered. Screenshot by me. No matter the winds of time, I keep coming around to the things that bring joy.

The problems of today are far reaching. There isn’t anybody who isn’t being impacted by the goings-on of the day. War, pandemic, rising prices everywhere, it seems endless at times in scope and atrociousness. In 2004’s Marvel Punisher movie, at one point Frank Castle’s neighbor tells him, “Good memories can save your life.” She is trying to tell the horrifically traumatized Punisher to focus on the positive memories he has of his family, and his ability to make new happiness. Suggesting it could mean a very different life and outcome for him.

I played Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater when it first came out in 1999 on the PlayStation, from developer Neversoft. Pure happiness, in an innovative new game with culture Midwestern kids like us had no idea existed. Ever since, I have played nearly every release. So, when Activision developers Vicarious Visions combined THPS 1+2 remasters in one game, I was very excited. Initially launching in 2020, I picked it up shortly after it was ported to the Nintendo Switch in 2021. Such sweet nostalgia. No humble touch-up, this remaster is a love note to everybody that played those games.

A game so simple led me into so many things. It has been a constant source of joy and catharsis even in moments where I felt blinded by my emotions, it has radically altered my musical and fashion tastes, and not least of all it introduced me to this wild thing called skateboarding. I haven’t skated much since developing heel issues, but in my youth it was a helpful way to vent, socialize and just have some fun. My favorite thing to do was always bomb hills, partially because I was never any good at tricks. The adrenaline rush was so powerful, thinking about it now I can almost hear the wheels and bearings roaring on the concrete beneath me. I can feel the dynamics of the board change as my speed increases.

Credit: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 Remastered. Screenshot by me. These remasters are everything you could want as a fan.

The game has glimpses of intensity as well, when you’re deep into a high combo, or just about to complete a difficult objective with seconds remaining. Although, the moments that always keep me turning this game back on, long after completing the objectives, are the times where I am just idly free skating around the levels. Going for combos that satisfy me in style or point value, improvising on terrain, even simply enjoying traversing the rich arenas. Negativity fades away as I interact with these games.

The fact that I do not skate like I used to shouldn’t diminish the memories I have from when I did actively. It can be hard not to let new realities tarnish the past. Two of the best weeks I ever had in my life were spent with friends on a New Year’s trip to San Francisco. Many years later, one of those friends committed suicide. I never knew there was such sadness inside him, and it made me doubt every laugh we shared. Eventually, I had to accept that it was alright to remember those smiles fondly. If you analyze anything deeply enough, you’re bound to find blemishes. Sometimes you just need to let things be of their subjective resonance.

What it meant to you matters, because you matter. It is the principle that drives us to have tastes in art or anything. When you are in a restaurant, you order from the menu. You are far less likely to be as satisfied letting someone else order for you. So why would you let someone or something else desecrate your memories? If something has become a pillar of self-care, like the Tony Hawk games for me, I shouldn’t just stop playing them because of what is ultimately an irrelevant negative connotation. I played Tony Hawk games I didn’t like as much as others, I still keep playing new releases.

Credit: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 Remastered. Screenshot by me. Combo catharsis.

A lot of people might be eager to let all memories go when associations turn sour. It keeps us from having to struggle with contradiction, and helps us focus on the future. If you had a bad relationship, it can serve you to remember all the things you didn’t like; these things may completely overshadow any good. Yet, I would say you absolutely shouldn’t feel guilty for finding comfort in the storm.

Even when my mental health was in the gutter, I recall enjoying Tony Hawk games. When I was frustrated I found solace in succeeding in pulling off a huge combo. I can’t say I would’ve liked it so much if it weren’t for the polarization with other parts of my life. So does that influence mean I should stay away from skateboarding games, or by an extension of that logic all games? Of course not.

The power to live on making new choices, and assurances provided by the past. This is what good memories can do for us. It is important to remember you have joyous moments you haven’t yet lived. The THPS remasters blend everything that happy memories can do. Graphics and controls of the future, yet familiar levels and mechanics. Whether you have never played a THPS, or you played them all, you’ll feel right at home in this arcade style jam.

In times when going out and making some happy memories isn’t nearly anything easy, it is important we make the most of the moments that already live comfortably in our mind. If it helps you stay positive, engage in acts of nostalgia such as playing a game that has been there through the phases of your life. I’ve been playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater since I was ten years old, and I hope there are more releases to come. Whether new content or even more remasters of classic titles. Check out my review of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 Remastered in the Archives, and comment a game that lives rent-free in your head!

Credit: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 Remastered. Screenshots by me.

Octopath Traveler and the Never-Ending Quest to Find Yourself

Credit: Octopath Traveler. Screenshot by me. Traversing a rich world in “HD-2D.” Finding your path is part of the game.

I downloaded the demo for Square Enix’s Octopath Traveler shortly after getting my Switch as a graduation present last May. I loved it, but did not take it seriously until November. I finally finished the three hour demo, and for once believed a game was worth $60. Over the course of the next couple months I played it about one hundred hours.

Every minute of the game was delightfully devoured. Even the grind sessions I found a relaxing time to throw on a podcast, or album. This turn-based RPG released in 2018, yet is retro with modern twists, in graphics and gameplay. It has an enchanting, nearly ninety song soundtrack. There is so much to love about this game, if you want to know more please go into the Archives and read my “Overdue Review.” What I want to talk about right now is how this unsuspecting game shaped my life following the beginning of my playthrough.

Octopath Traveler dominated my attention. An elegant battle system and eight individual, unique story arcs kept me playing towards the next thing. Whether it meant grinding for hours to beat a boss, or finally defeating said boss after nearly an hour in a single engagement with them. Moments where I literally would jump from my seat with joy, celebrating a well earned victory. Memories that make this game of my new favorites ever.

The issue was, it is such a long game. I like to keep my blog updated on what I have been playing, I had only been doing reviews up to then, and it was going to be a while before I was ready to give any verdict on the game. I had marathon ran shorter games before, such as all three BioShock games within a week in September. So, I had to do something different. I always have multiple games in rotation, even with one as addictive as Octopath Traveler. I made a “Checkpoint” post that started with a little bit about what was currently happening in my life, followed by a brief rundown of a few of the games I had been playing.

Credit: Octopath Traveler. Screenshot by me. A glimpse of the battle system.

Since then, I have done more Checkpoint posts, especially needing more content after getting hooked on another long JRPG, Dragon Quest 11. These posts inspired me to branch out further, into a post that was just pure personal philosophy. I have talked in the past about doing mental health breakdowns of games live on Twitch, but being unable to do that right now, I thought, why not try it in a blog? The stage seemed set. I was very happy with the initial result, so much so, within a week I had posted another. Then another one. The reaction was unlike anything I have ever written. Not only was my audience engaged, I was finally doing the type of literary journalism I have put so much effort into developing.

So much in life can have cascading consequences. I discovered a game I thought was neat because of a free demo, it ended up being in my top games of all time and in a way it pushed me to start doing journalism that truly made me deeply proud. Whether I get paid for it or not, this is where my passion lies. Literary style games journalism that speaks on something I feel very strongly about, mental health. Good and bad things can knock down other dominoes in your life. You don’t know what those dominoes will be either. One can lead to the other, and often there is just no way to really know until you get into it.

I found myself identifying with each of the eight playable characters in Octopath Traveler, in different ways. I see myself in Tressa’s eager optimism, Olberic’s unbending resolve, Alfyn’s often stymieing compassion for others, all of them had parts not just of themselves that resonated, but within their stories. Each character has a separate story, and they all had beats with which I think a lot of people could sympathize. Like the trials of Ophilia and Lianna’s friendship. Plot details can remind us of our own struggles.

Credit: Octopath Traveler. Screenshot by me. Ophilia is exactly the type of healer you want in your corner.

Identifying why certain things resonate with me is helpful to understanding who I am. Octopath Traveler has characters that are a bit generic, but their stories are well told. Why did I choose Cyrus, the Scholar as my first protagonist? There was the practical application that, hopefully, I would learn a lot about the lore of the fantasy game world. But even this application illustrates another, perhaps more powerful motive: the passion for knowledge.

The passion for knowledge had pushed me almost solely through school up until college, when after I wasn’t satisfied with what I was learning at first, I dropped out. I think I learned a lot in the work force instead, but the next time I went to school it was a combination of intellectual pursuit and practical job-related purposes. I studied science at community college, then discovered my strengths lied in English, not science, when I went to a four-year school.

At community college, a teacher gave me a copy of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson. I enjoyed the tale, and writing style. Then at my four-year I decided to pick journalism specifically, out of all English degrees, after it was pitched to me as a storytelling degree. I ate up every lesson on literary journalism. It seemed to be the type of writing I was born to do. It is creative and personal, yet informative and relevant. It can be a revolutionary vehicle for incredible new writers.

This blog may not shatter the mold, but it is a work in progress. Even after one hundred hours in Octopath Traveler, there is still a lot I have not done. I am constantly thinking about how to do better, or what to do next. Media doesn’t have to come right out and tell us how it will impact us, and even if it wanted to it really could not. Everybody is going to perceive it differently, so the search to find what suits you is as never ending as the changes you go through.

Credit: Octopath Traveler. Screenshots by me.

Shifting With Change in Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit

Credit: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit Remastered. Screenshot by me. Sometimes things go wrong, it is important to accept it as part of life. Screens from Switch and Xbox One.

A year ago today I reviewed the 2020 remaster of Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. From the jump in 2010, this was a fan favorite Need for Speed installment. It drew upon a rich history of racing and police chases to give us a game that is approachable with its arcade style, but as you reach higher levels the game expects you to do more with more. I have always been known to have a tough time with change, yet I find a high octane joy ride where things are always changing, big and small, gives me comfort to press on with whatever is making me uncomfortable.

The fact that change has always upset me makes me think it is just part of who I am. Anxiety is strong in my family. It is also a negative symptom of schizophrenia. From an early age, it seemed anything new upset me. Things that should’ve been enjoyable, even. I do not play video games nearly as much as I want to, often because of some negative feeling attached to them. Most games I enjoy alleviate this free-floating nervousness for me somehow.

Change is a natural part of life. All of life brings experience, which heralds evolution. Learning is a form of transformation. Sometimes, it is tempting for me to remain stagnant and do nothing. These are the moments we need to find the motivation to get through as much as possible. Catatonia does nothing for anyone least of all myself. I accept that to a degree it is also natural to be afraid of change. As long as you are afraid because you know the importance of doing the right thing, you are unlikely to make a truly unwise choice.

Credit: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit Remastered. Game clip by me. Sometimes you just manage to slip through disaster with skill and luck.

I also am experiencing change through this game due to changing consoles. When I originally reviewed this remaster in 2021, it was on Xbox One. I since bought it on my Nintendo Switch and have been playing it there. Xbox is the clear victor of the two when it comes to this game. The visuals are better, and most importantly, the controls are superior. Precision joysticks and triggers with less dropped inputs. Nothing is worse than being in the heat of a race and the controller forgets you’re pressing the gas. I am still having loads of fun on the Switch, the heavy arcade style does hold its own on the platform.

In NFS: Hot Pursuit, there are parallel careers: Racer and Cop. Each has a number of event types, from standard races, to Hot Pursuits for each side where you are equipped with pursuit equipment such as spike strips, EMPs and more. Sure, it is disappointing when you spend the last quarter of a Hot Pursuit chasing one racer, only for them to get away. Yet, the several busts before the final were immensely gratifying, the entire chase was pulse-pounding, and now I have a solid amount more experience that could grant stronger equipment.

These positives encourage me to want to work toward a gold in as many events as possible. I can overcome my reservations because I know I will be rewarded, even if only with the simple pleasures of the driving fantasy and mechanics. Each attempt is unique. You never know when the enemy will cleverly place a spike strip or how well you will slip roadblocks, for example. Every event is different in terms of how it goes down. This diminishes the fear that the failure I just experienced may not be how my next try goes.

Credit: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit Remastered. Screenshot by me. Rapidly changing conditions can make small things seem huge, and the important things small.

In many games, anxiety is part of the draw. From horror games, to games like Dark Souls, and even racing games. Getting your blood moving is why you pay the price for admission. It is a thrill ride. There is an element of fantasy, because you’re doing things in car you would never do, and the gameplay reflects this element. The overall experience is designed to be the most fun, not the most realistic. I don’t think a half hour of the game counts as cardio, but you know you’ve played as you try to manage stress within the race, and when your heart rate continues to soar after the end.

The pressure associated with playing a lot of games can keep me away from them at times, it can also draw me to them. The shifting dunes of life may start to mount, and the game may start to seem insignificant. You then turn to it for joy and release, knowing that if you put forth the effort everything will be okay. The time investment into an event is typically not too grand of an ask. Drifting through turns, evading cops, dodging about traffic, there are powerful feelings of control. Feelings that manifest truth in the form of medals in the game, and experience in both the game and life.

Even good things cause apprehension for many. I still get it before every swim practice, even though it is something I absolutely love doing. Not only that, all the effects from doing it are positive. Still, general anxiety attaches to everything and poisons it. This drowning feeling can make me catatonic. In the end, swimming helps my mental health. I can tell I am happier for going through with it. The same is generally true for NFS: Hot Pursuit sessions. Even if I lose, it is an entertaining game to play.

As I transition from college into a real job, I lean on games to keep me sane. It will be simple treasures like Need for Speed that bring me the most peace. I normally play a diverse array of games, and I’m sure that will be true, though I am more inclined to want to bash some cars around at high speed. No plot, the most basic of contexts, the focus is all on fun. Right now, I need to learn to accept defeat sometimes, knowing it will make me stronger for the next race. Work with the tools and abilities I have to get my life moving.

Credit: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit Remastered. Screenshots by me.