My first experience with the “Souls-like” game genre was where it all actually started, the original “Demon Souls” in 2009. The game was a fun nightmare. As much as I enjoyed it, I found it far too difficult to progress beyond a certain point. The experience was so crushing it turned me away from the genre forever. Until “Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order” was added to Xbox Game Pass Ultimate a couple years ago, and I gave it a try as I heard it was a more approachable Souls-like. I was still defeated.
Since June I have finished the most recent Assassin’s Creed trilogy, which uses a new combat system that had me feeling distinct Souls-like vibes. Especially fights like the Minotaur. As well, since last year I began understanding turn-based JRPGs, another genre I’ve always wanted to enjoy, but couldn’t. So, I thought I would try Jedi: Fallen Order once more. I really wanted to get into this genre to try hits like Elden Ring.
I turned up the difficulty, and somehow I had come to understand how to play this game. My enjoyment began trepidatiously, but before long I was having the time of my life. Masterfully executing foes with combinations of the Force and my lightsaber. Defeating bosses that seemed impossible. When I finished the game I felt an outstanding sense of accomplishment, not just for the small victories throughout, but the larger win of beating a game I could only get a handful of hours into not even a couple years prior.
But there is something more significant this game gave me. At save points, your character, Cal Kestis, meditates. His meditation is an integral part of the story. In the beginning, he is so traumatized by the fall of the Jedi order, he can barely get into focus. As he heals emotionally, he uncovers important memories that heal his connection with the Force, and his meditation. I decided I would begin meditation myself, to see if it rendered anything noticeable. The results changed my life.
A key was given to me when I was in high school that I believe opened the door to successful meditation for me. I was partially hypnotized. Basically just put under slowly and instantly snapped out. What this enabled me to do is more easily silence the noise in my head, and focus on something that centers, and relaxes me. I can more freely suspend my thoughts. When I started playing Fallen Order, about a week after I began meditating regularly, I had a bizarre couple of days.
At first, it was blinding rage. Anger that is hard to describe in a polite manner. I wanted to crush everyone and everything. Like a levee had breached; washing through my veins a deluge of hatred. Knowing it wasn’t normal, I was both scared and confused. That is not who I am. People who are like that upset me. The next day I paced in a circle and thought about my emotions and past trauma for literally twenty-four hours straight. The rage had subsided, leaving emptiness in its place.
Finally, I thought of the term that seemed to describe what I was going through. Ego death. I was seeing my life more objectively than I thought possible. It was like a major gatekeeper in my mind had dissolved, and left the rest to pick up the pieces. An array of emotions came and went in odd and unpredictable intervals, as I could not control what I was going to think of next. Normally, your ego protects you from having certain thoughts to get you through what you’re doing. I no longer had that, so even the most traumatic things came up as naturally as any thought.
Ego death leads to uncovering trauma the way a paleontologist unearths their raptors. You can study what this beast must’ve been without it biting you. Seeing how the sick feelings I get in my gut now are the result of things that I’ve long forgotten about. To be honest, I knew I was forgetting a lot of trauma, because I’ve heard that when somebody doesn’t remember their childhood, that is often why. I didn’t remember hardly any of my childhood, until now. One of the gifts I’ve been given by my transformation is also the knowledge that it could’ve been a lot worse, and for some people it is the worst.
It is vitally important to stress that my ego death is a positive thing. I am so much stronger now. My sight is clear, but I see everything. This is better than sight to be hazy, yet seeing clouds. I can more effectively grow and improve myself this way. Like Cal Kestis, my Kyber crystal fracturing doesn’t mean all hope is lost, it means I am walking away stronger than I had hoped. Our growth can outpace our expectations. Look at how much better I have gotten at gaming in new genres that past year.
True, it was a long trail of game choices that led to my ego’s dissolution, but I hold Jedi: Fallen Order as the true mover because of how it inspired me to begin meditation, and nurtured me along the path. It gave me the simple joy of playing a fun, cool looking game. The satisfaction of achieving something I once thought impossible for me. And perhaps most importantly, the story is filled with characters who all need to heal to become the best versions of themselves.
Jedi: Fallen Order is a fantastic game. I strongly suggest you play it, and I’m not even deep into Star Wars. Check out my Overdue Review in the Archives. The sequel, “Jedi: Survivor” is due this March. This game could inspire you to begin practicing some of the ways of the Jedi. Meditation opened a heavy door in my own mind. This door leads to a labyrinth, but the game served as a nice spool of thread to help me know my way.
HereticDerek 